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Shenkman water shuts off; residents left drier than girl having sex with sadboy



George Washington University


- satire

Shenkman water shuts off; residents left drier than girl having sex with sadboy

The semester began with friction between residents and property manager

Frances Roel


Three days after residence halls officially opened for the spring semester, the city shut off the water in Shenkman Hall after multiple reports of low water pressure.

Junior MicKayla Reese found the experience to be a disappointing yet unsurprising welcome back to GW. MicKayla, who just arrived back in D.C, after a semester abroad in Paris, told The Rival the water mishap reminded her irrevocably of her most unsatisfactory sexual experience.

“You know, you hear stuff about French guys,” she remarked coyly. “I met this guy at a café. He was drinking espresso and reading Albert Camus’ "The Stranger" – that should’ve been my first sign I guess. But I thought he looked like Timothée Chalamet.”

Water was non-functional for the bulk of the day on Tuesday, January 16, the first day of classes. Property Manager Paris Rossiter kept residents informed on the developing issue, sending no less than 1,306 emails on the subject. These emails involved everything from keeping residents apprised of important details such as DC Water’s restoration plan, to the Chick-fil-A orders of employees attending to the problem, to the super-cute doggo he saw on 23rd Street. earlier that day.

While Shenkman residents ran across the street in 25-degree weather to shower at the Lerner Health and Wellness Center, MicKayla wallowed in regret. “He seemed really cool to me at first, but ugh, he ended up being such a sadboy. He did that thing where he cuffed his pants real high and wore white tube socks. Ew, and he kept trying to play this Smiths record. It was so not a turn-on.”

Eight hours after the shutoff, water returned to Shenkman Hall. The dry spell was responsible for many casualties, including a ruptured larynx, which resulted from a desperate attempt to eat dry ramen. “Well, welcome back to me, I guess,” MicKayla remarked wryly. “I suppose Paris is a disappointment to everyone in Shenkman.”