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Columbian College student no longer problem child after brother announces jazz career

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George Washington University

campus

- satire

Columbian College student no longer problem child after brother announces jazz career

The joys of spring

Frances Roel

3.14.18

For sophomore Kirsten Connelly, heading home for spring break usually means debilitating embarrassment, shame, and humiliation, served with a heaping side of parental disappointment. Why? Miss Connelly majors in political science in the Columbian College of Arts and Sciences.

“I always dread going home,” Miss Connelly told our reporter after the week-long break. “All my relatives talk about is how useless my degree will be. They don’t get that I’ve Hillterned every semester I’ve been at GW, basically run GW Dems, and tape my resume to the White House gate every day.” She added defensively, “I’m plenty hirable!”

This year, however, Kirsten was spared the usual eye-roll-inducing hardship by a spring miracle. “My brother decided spring break was the best time to tell my parents that he wants to be a professional interpretive jazz flutist!” This new development remained the topic of conversation for the rest of the week, fueling multiple binge-drinking episodes and a trip to family counseling.

“My little bro really took one for the team,” Kirsten noted giddily. “I’m no longer the disappointment of the family! And I bet he’ll have to move back in with my parents before I do!”

With summer right around the corner, many undergraduates feel the looming dread brought on by the inane and personal questions of rarely-seen relatives, but Kirsten Connelly isn’t worried. “I'm just going to watch my family's panic simmer all summer and schedule a trip during the inevitable explosion. It's my brother's turn to be the family disappointment - it’s time to pass the torch.”