For centuries upon centuries, the true identity of the Holy Trinity has been debated. Countless people believe that God is a woman (and really, who’s to say She isn’t), and a quick Google search can take you down the rabbit hole of think pieces trying to prove that Jesus was gay. But why haven’t we addressed the not-so-impractical reality that Jesus the Messiah may have been a homosexual female? Here are nine reasons that “Jesus the lesbian” isn’t such a hard concept to believe in.
1. Practical Sandals
It’s no secret that lesbians love their Birkenstocks; they’re both practical and comfortable. When you look at artistic renditions of Jesus walking around cities and towns, it’s easy to see the similarities between his sandals and the German brand known for their fantastic arch support. The question now is: were they gay before or after Jesus started to wear them?
2. Disdain for Shaving
We all know that lesbians hate shaving with a passion and prefer to go au naturale. Well, Jesus was the same way, and even the book of Leviticus warned against trimming that precious body hair. No wonder Jesus’ hair was so long!
3. Taste for Ancient Grains
Admit it: homosexual women can kind of be hippies sometimes, especially when it comes to what they will and will not eat. God’s one and only son was also known for having a preference for ancient grains and unprocessed foods, and you definitely wouldn’t find Him eating anything with artificial dyes.
4. Only Friends with Men
Seriously though, isn’t it a little weird that Jesus hung out almost exclusively with a group of 12 dudes? I mean sure, it’s not abnormal to have guy friends, but only ever getting along with dudes sounds a little gay to be honest.
5. Impressive Carpentry Skills
Nothing screams “lesbian” like knowing more about Home Depot than the employees themselves. Christ supposedly learned these carpentry skills from His earthly father, who was also a carpenter, but much like how he fed 5,000 people, it sounds a little fishy.
6. Camping Enthusiast
Okay, so this one is actually pretty badass: that time Jesus went camping in the desert alone for 40 days without any food or water. It’s simple fact that queer women have an inclination toward the outdoors, and it’s hard to believe that anyone other than a lesbian could pulled that off.
7. Disliked by the Government
While it’s rumored that the government hated Jesus because they didn’t believe that He was truly the Messiah, we can’t rule out that maybe his sexuality influenced the hatred as well. If you think gay people aren’t accepted now, oh boy, you should’ve seen what it was like back in first century A.D.
8. Personal Relationships with Female Prostitutes
Genuine love and respect for others, or just a cover up? From Rahab to the mother of Jephthah, Jesus was known in life and in Scripture as someone who spent a lot of time with female prostitutes. Was this because he truly believed that they were human beings who deserved love after being ostracized from their communities, or was there and ulterior (and possibly gay) motive behind it all?
9. Affinity for Shapeless Attire
Jesus is generally portrayed in a long, shapeless robe with minimal curves, much like your everyday flannel-loving lesbian. Although plaid flannels were likely not around during Jesus’ time, based on his previous loose and conservative style back in the day, a nice lumberjack flannel from L.L. Bean would be right up His alley.
So, there you have it. There’s no actual confirmation of this theory, and it’s unlikely that we will never know for sure, but when you look at the evidence, it’s hard to ignore. And let’s be honest: even if Jesus isn’t a full-blown lesbian, He’s probably at least a little bit bi.