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A 100% serious appraisal of Academy Award contenders

movies and-tv


George Washington University


- satire

A 100% serious appraisal of Academy Award contenders

Just kidding

Frances Roel

J.R. Youngblut


As you probably know, the 90th annual Academy Awards are coming this Sunday! The Hollywood spectacular will be hosted by a white man and will air on a steadily-declining network, so you know it’s due to be an exhilarating, unpredictable ride. In case you’ve missed all the previous Oscar vomit, here’s a handy list to keep you up-to-date on the current cinematic news. Spoilers ahead.

Some Best Picture Nominees

Call Me By Your Name – Sigh, a gorgeous movie featuring two gorgeous dudes. If any of you want to see new Hollywood darling Timothee Chalamet get hot and heavy with a peach, this one’s for you! The 80s shorts are very short, there’s lots of shirtlessness, tears, and dancing – this is truly a queer a-f masterpiece.

Darkest Hour - Want to see what would have happened if Sirius Black had been hit with an Engorgement Charm and blown up like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? Look no further than this obligatory World War II film that only Gelman's National Churchill Library Center asked for.

Dunkirk - What a disappointment. We were so excited to see sing Harry Styles in a new interpretation of South Pacific but wow. Musicals really have gone down hill. Replace this nomination with The Greatest Showman and give Zach Efron the EGOT he deserves.

Get Out - This movie was scary so we didn't watch it. Not because we don't like black people, but because we don't like horror movies or confronting our own white privilege. Though one of us did see The Emoji Movie to witness what a Bachelor's Degree from GWU can get you in the entertainment industry. #colonialpride

Lady Bird - Were you unimpressed by Lil' Timmy Chalamet's peach practice? So was Saoirse Ronan's Lady Bird. If you're feeling that early-2000s teen angst, but not in an emo-punk way, check out this California Bildungsroman. Oh, also it has a female director! See? Hollywood does care about equality!

Phantom Thread – This is the film the #metoo movement needs: a persnickety middle-aged man-child named Reynolds Woodcock (Woodcock!) get pissed off at the way his current young muse, Alma, eats toast and mentally and emotionally abuses her for it. Everything the old farts in Hollywood look for is in this film: beautiful execution, an air-tight script, poisonous mushrooms used as a means of sexual and emotional control, the casual dismissal of women – I could go on.

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri – While the crux of this movie lies in the unresolved rape, murder, and incineration of a teenage girl, the biggest mystery in the film is where middle-aged cop Woody Harrelson found a hot, young Australian to marry in the middle of Missouri. Frances McDormand, with her undercut and coveralls, is a treasure who literally blows shit up. Oh, and Tyrion Lannister takes her on an awkward date.

The Shape of Water – This film has swept the awards circuit and, with multiple nominations, is a leader heading into Oscar season. You might be tempted to dismiss it as a simple love story: lonely girl falls for fish, girl fucks fish, girl leaves Baltimore to live in some river, yadda yadda. But Guillermo del Toro’s newest film is more complex than that…I’ve been told. Just look at that teal color palette – that’s gotta symbolize something, right?

The Post - OMG YOU GUYS, it's a movie about what we at the Rival do! Like, we've had seriously, so many meetings and group texts worrying if, like the President tried to shut us down or if we get sued or anything. But we didn't let fear get in the way of publishing nine different articles about the 2016 election and fifteen think pieces on obscure international affairs controversies. Because the American people need to know the facts—er, more importantly, the opinions—of by a bunch of muckraking twenty-something millennials who don't have experience, or discipline, or a strong grasp of proof-reading. Anyway, this movie is AMAZING and INSPIRATIONAL and it cleared all of our skin and reinforced what all of our parents have always said that we are basically Meryl Streep and we're here to #slay.

Randoms Films Nominated in Random Categories

Boss Baby – This gripping political documentary about the dismal state of our nation and the leader who caused it is sure to bring home Oscar gold. Just kidding! This is nominated for Best Animated Feature, because a movie about a baby-sized Jack Donaghy is totally of the same caliber of “Coco.”

Kong: Skull Island – Isn’t it a bit embarrassing when your terrible movie is only nominated in one, out-there category like Visual Effects? In the year of “Blade Runner 2049” and the newest Star Wars, don’t you just feel like you’re filling up the list?

Beauty and the Beast – I guess Emma Watson’s refusal to wear a corset is paying off, as this live-action Disney remake is nominated for Best Costume Design. I mean, it’s kinda hard to argue with the Academy on this one, considering Ewan McGregor still looked like a candlestick after he turned back into a man.