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Gallery debuts new mozz stick geared toward women

dining restaurants


George Washington University


- satire

Gallery debuts new mozz stick geared toward women

Less cheese, more class

Frances Roel


Wednesday night, three days after the Super Bowl, Gallery announced a new type of mozzarella stick, specially engineered to suit a woman’s genteel tastes. The popular night-out snack stop, located in the basement of Shenkman Hall, is a favorite among shitfaced students of all genders.

Early reports indicate that the new mozzarella sticks are designed to leave less grease and fewer crumbs on the fingers, use a firmer type of mozzarella to avoid those unladylike cheese pulls, and are shaped as hearts, a less phallic and intimidating shape than the original stick. Each order of six (the number per order was cut down so women could still maintain their figures) comes with a free tampon to soak up any remaining marinara sauce. The price of a single order of these female-friendly mozzarella sticks is priced $0.89 more than the standard mozz stick price.

While the new product has only been available for a few short hours, the backlash was swift and severe. Sylvia Swanson, a women’s studies and comparative literature double major from Seattle, was quick to point out the indignity of the situation, “I find it insulting that a product that is not gender-inclusive is being offered at an establishment on GW’s campus,” Ms. Swanson noted. “I think the only fair thing to do at this point is offer a type of gender non-binary or gender fluid mozzarella stick, too. We cannot have vendors discriminating against students on the basis of gender.”

Virginia Maitland, president of the Feminist Student Union, released a statement Thursday morning, stating the FSU’s official stance on the matter:

“We at the GW Feminist Student Union categorically oppose the marketing or sale of products that imply women are not equal to men. The women at GW are some of the strongest women in DC, and we reject the idea that we cannot eat mozzarella sticks as well as any man. In fact, on any given Thursday, Friday, or Saturday night, you will find multiple women, trashed beyond belief, enjoying mozzarella sticks and vowing to stay friends forever before throwing up in their friend's sink and crying about the boy who ghosted them. We therefore urge Gallery to desist this offensive and discriminatory campaign.”

The owners and staff of Gallery declined comment, and we do not know as of yet if there are plans to release any sort of queer-gender mozzarella stick.