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Freshman finally breaks up with CI friend



George Washington University


- satire

Freshman finally breaks up with CI friend

Friendship dies after two months of missed texts and awkward student org mixers

Mackenzie White


FOGGY BOTTOM—Sources close to freshman sociology major Celia Brooke claim that she has decided to distance herself from fellow freshman and business school student, Megan Feinstein, whom Brooke first met at this year's Colonial Inauguration.

The decision, while an inevitable reality for most college freshmen, has been fraught-filled and a long time coming for Brooke. The two first met while attending a financial aid information lecture at CI. “Now that I’ve gotten close with my roommates I feel like I can break up with Megan without being totally alone,” said Brooke. “I just feel like they [her roommates] understand me more. We go to Opera all the time together. Megan just…she wouldn’t stop talking about her SAT scores and being on crew in high school. It’s like hanging out with Phoebe from Magic School Bus."

When asked about the separation, Feinstein claimed that the two of them remain close friends and denied any breach in the relationship. “Okay, so we’ve only texted a few times since move-in and the last time I asked her to get Gelbucks with me, she responded back two days later with ‘sorry midterms’ followed by the sad moan emoji. But, like, at CI we snuck out of our Thurston dorm, got drunk, went down to the Mall, and flipped the bird at the White House. I mean, that’s something you only do with your best friends, right?” said Feinstein, her lip quivering with a hollow echo of doubt.

“Looking back there were a lot of red flags after that night. She kept asking me where to get a fake. I’m like, ‘Bitch, I’m from New Hampshire—I don’t know!” said Brooke. “Like I can’t actually tell her it’s over, right? We aren’t dating, I don’t owe her that do I?” Brooke eventually settled on ignoring Feinstein’s messages and Facebook event invites, awkwardly waving to her if caught leaving Carvings while partying with her roommates, and praying to never get stuck in a Funger elevator with her.