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Pink whale harpooned off Nantucket leads to naked nautical enthusiasts



George Washington University


- satire

Pink whale harpooned off Nantucket leads to naked nautical enthusiasts

Hundreds lose expensive pastel yachtwear in Georgetown area after death of sacred whale spirit

Frances Roel


GEORGETOWN— Surprise, confusion, and hysteria dominated the mood Tuesday afternoon, after items manufactured by Vineyard Vines, an exclusive East Coast brand, disappeared from outfits and closets without explanation. Hundreds reported clothing losses, varying from polos, ties, belts, and even certain George Washington University logo wear.

Late Tuesday evening, reports surfaced of a large, pink North Atlantic right whale harpooned off the coast of Nantucket Island. Witnesses to the scene described a massive Pepto-Bismol colored whale washed up on the beach, surrounded by several harpoons and some netting. Fashion authorities confirmed that the death of this particular cetacean has spelled doom for the life-force of the upscale nautical WASP brand.

We spoke to several undergraduates on M Street, shortly after the shocking event took place. The general reaction was surprise, quickly followed by unadulterated outrage.

“I mean, I was standing in line for coffee at Dean & DeLuca and all of the sudden my shorts are just, like, gone. Just freaking gone! It was, like, the weirdest thing ever,” commented George Washington University sophomore Andrew Kidd, an economics major from any part of New Jersey. “It’s ridiculous. Do you know how expensive that shit is? You know, my dad’s a lawyer and I bet we’re gonna sue. I bet a ton of people are,” added Benji Brinkley, an international affairs major from Westchester, NY. Despite standing out in complete dishabille, no Georgetown students could be reached for comment.

At this time, Vineyard Vines has not issued a formal comment. Experts are unclear as to how the brand will remedy this situation. With thousands of clothing items across the country vanished, many will likely seek legal recourse to make up for the losses. CNBC and the iPhone stock app have already reported a drop in the company’s profitability.

Finally, it is unknown why the animal was slain, although sources tell us that an underground socialist group may have been involved.