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UMD researchers to study cosmic rays by dropping a fat dose of LSD and tripping in the fountain, man



University of Maryland


- satire

UMD researchers to study cosmic rays by dropping a fat dose of LSD and tripping in the fountain, man

Summer Bedard


COLLEGE PARK - Scientists at the University of Maryland have begun research on some of the "sickest science shit ever," all of which is being sponsored by NASA and the International Space Station.

“The initial idea for the experiment came from our exclusive access to an instrument that detects cosmic rays,” said Chad Treyseph, chief student investigator. “But then we figured it would be much more beneficial, cheap, and insightful if we just did a fuck-ton of acid and swam in the fountain.”

University astrophysics faculty and staff are supportive of the academic endeavor.

“Curiosity and learning are what make our space program so robust,” said Dr. Brian Ho, an astronomy professor overseeing the project. Cosmic rays are energetic particles traveling through the solar system close to the speed of light. According to Professor Ho, these atomic nuclei will look, "incredibly fucking trippy" when viewed from the fountain.

The research started last summer, when Treyseph went to Electric Forest Music Festival for a field sample.

“My preliminary data showed that space is like all around us and I could totally feel the cosmic vibrations from the crowd.”

A joint team of physics and astronomy students have been planning safety precautions for months. To ensure the maintenance and stability of good vibes, a research assistant will play The Grateful Dead's Greatest Hits as necessary.

Another researcher, Rebecca Mianomo, will not be allowed around mirrors under any circumstances. "My own face will freak me out. I'll start to question if I look like Michael Jackson and whether or not I've ever really loved anyone," explained Mianomo.

The geology department has also pitched in to donate some positive ion crystals to keep the light waves in equilibrium and "look pretty tight."