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Future Supreme Court justice debates interpretation of study room laws



George Washington University


- satire

Future Supreme Court justice debates interpretation of study room laws


WASHINGTON- Sophomore Julie Nguyen, who in 42 years will be nominated to the highest court in the United States, released her impassioned ruling on the subject of whether it was within the rights of junior Tony Garrigan to claim he'd reserved the room she and her sorority sisters were studying in.

Citing Article Six of "Reserve This Study Room," the Study Room constitution agreed upon by Gelman Library and posted on each room's door, Nguyen made an impassioned argument to Garrigan about his legal forfeiture of his right to reserve the room.

"It is clear, Mr. Garrigan," began Nguyen, "Though Article Five dictates that we 'may be asked to yield the room to the group holding the reservation', your request violates Article Six, which says you have legally forfeited your right to the reservation as you weren't present until 32 minutes after the first fifteen (15) minutes of your reservation, which began at 10:00 PM, had passed."

Nguyen, whose nomination would be confirmed by a 66-36 vote in the Senate in the year 2059, then began a lengthy discussion on the original intent versus the letter of the law of the laminated "Reserve This Study Room" laws.

"Listen, sorry," said Garrigan, "I was in a group project that ran late, but I did reserve this room like a week ago-"

"Furthermore," interrupted Nguyen, who until this point had been taking a BuzzFeed quiz that would tell her which Hollywood heartthrob she would marry and later divorce according to her pizza preferences, "You also are in violation of Article Four, which is intended to make clear that no one individual has a right to a study room over a group, which is defined in Article Six as two or more people -and clearly, three sisters of Phi Phi Phi are currently present in this room, constituting a 'group' as laid out by the Reserve This Study Room laws."

This represented the most use of academic brainpower by Nguyen during the entire finals period, and though she had been procrastinating on finishing her psychology paper due at midnight, within a decade she would start an illustrious career as one of the most respected jurists in the country.

"I'm sorry Mr. Garrigan, but the law is clear on this," ruled Nguyen. "Until such a point that the Reserve This Study Room laws are amended by a two-thirds majority of librarians, your case is cut-and-dry."

"Okay, but like-" interjected Garrigan.

"It is the opinion of this body," finished Nguyen, who later would never really recall what made her decide to pursue a career in the study and interpretation of constitutional law, "that you can like, totally use the room next door because it's been empty for like an hour. Sorry 'bout that!"