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Lapsed Catholic still feels guilty after not getting Filet-O-Fish on Good Friday



George Washington University


- satire

Lapsed Catholic still feels guilty after not getting Filet-O-Fish on Good Friday

J.R. Youngblut


WASHINGTON— Hungry and low on Dining Dollars, senior and lapsed Catholic Damian Dubois shuffled with his roommate to the 17th Street McDonalds this Friday where he ordered a Grand Mac meal. However, he realized after he’d sat down among throngs of Chinese tourists that his mother had wished him a “Blessed Good Friday.”

“He asked for extra ketchup and then went over there and pulled out his phone and stopped eating,” said McDonalds cashier and regular Churchgoer Marina Espezado. “He sat there for long time and then he came to get a Filet-O-Fish,” said Espezado.

“Holy shit-crap, that woman looked right at me,” said Dubois while dry heaving immediately after the incident. “Like right through me. Oh god - I mean gosh - I mean do you think she knew I haven’t been to Church in three years? Do I look like that?” he asked to no one in particular.

“It was really weird, like Damian isn’t religious or anything I don’t think,” recalled Dubois’s roommate, Henry Wade. “But suddenly he started freaking out, and googling whether there’s any meat in a medium fry. Then he jumped up and apologized to the cashier and got a Filet-O-Fish,” said Wade.

From here, Dubois began trying to rationalize his situation. “I mean, I’m really not Catholic in any sense of the word any more. I can eat what I want. That eating fish thing is just a pyramid scheme made up by Red Lobster, right?” Dubois reasoned while trying to stomach the mysterious fried piscine sandwich and ignoring his Grand Mac.

Friends close to Dubois claim he left the McDonald's visibly shaken, ashamed but ultimately still as nonreligious as ever. "I doubt he's gonna go to Mass on Sunday or anything. I think he feels pretty redeemed after resisting the temptation of the cheeseburger," said Wade.