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Wisconsin man victim of steamrolling accident



George Washington University


- satire

Wisconsin man victim of steamrolling accident

In desperate need of donor spine

Mackenzie White


WASHINGTON - A 47-year-old male from Janesville, Wisconsin has been the victim of a horrible steamrolling accident. He is now effectively spineless. His doctors have recommended that he must simply grow a spine, but they don't know if he is capable so the outlook as bleak. Currently, he waits for a donor spine.

P. Ryan, as he was identified by his hospital wristband, is unable to pull himself back up. Previously, he loved to lift weights to build upper body strength in an attempt to be a larger force to be reckoned with. Now, he is easily pushed aside and bulldozed over. He used to be concerned with balancing his muscle mass between the upper and lower halves of his body, but now he is worrying about balancing his budget given the mounting medical costs.

“He’s completely unrecognizable now. This is not the man I used to run with. It’s such a pity,” said Mitt, a close friend of Ryan’s, who wished to only give his first name.

He is so weak that he must be held up, moved and manipulated by those around him. Ryan found a lot of pride in his ability to stand up for what he believed in, but, because of this, he can no longer stand for anything.

"I'm just trying to figure out my health insurance right now," Ryan said, "It's way more complex than you could ever imagine. I'm just lucky there's affordable care out there."

His best friend, Mitch, has also been waiting on a transplant list for a donor heart for over 30 years.